opening~

feel like blogging.. just wondering how many ppl have been reading.. tgh i know some who do.. not putting it on site but some who knew my blog's add.. feel to express a bit of inner feelings..

feel the least healed.. feel graceful again.. and feel back again to the one frm above.. i knew i couldn't make it without Him.. tgh i usually take Him for granted.. knowing the times b4 when i just live it on my ways.. letting myself having total control over myself.. desirely not having a good outcome as i went out of control due to my inner desires and expectations.. God came again to control me.. limit me.. and set me free.. renewed me with a new heart.. and yet a new life~ that story i couldn't more describe in words but more of a testimony to others.. it's just amazing...

i feel i have been very very.. undead.. usually seemingly feeling unstable most of the times.. overwhelmed with the same thoughts and undesired past all over and over again.. which not only affected me deeply but.. putting me into a state of lifeless soul, only to live the next day, feeling unstable again.. thinking what would happen to my life.. worrying.. feeling sad and burdened.. in fact, my desires have been so overwhelmed till it swept me totally over.. when i just wanted something so badly but i couldn't have it.. it looked like it's never gonna be an ending process.. searching for happiness.. seeking for security and feeling just that life is all the same.. working and sleeping and facing problems.. that changed in a moment when i asked.. "who are You?"

my dearest shepherd saved me again.. he is one of the most amazing ppl i've ever met.. not that i know till the day b4 yesterday.. he knows, and God knows.. what's the best for me.. he knows it not easy being a christian, living thru all the problems.. but with problems, what more can u say abt his way of looking at it? looking at the big picture.. knowing that how God can change him, indeed he has been changed, and putting trust on god continuously and knowing Him for who he is, despite the life circumstances that are around us.. indeed he used God's love to shower me, and persisted.. didn't give up on me and supported me.. questioned me.. "why let this affect you so much?" i felt so deeply touched by him and so with his continuous counsel, i never saw so much of a maturity display frm him ever since b4.. he is just amazing..

i fell again.. i questioned.. this is not my life.. during the early morning, not even when the sun has arised, i held my cross and asked, 'Father.. who are You..?' i just teared.. i have even forgotten Him.. i let all the worldly circumstances to bother me so much that i even forgot His presence.. i just so felt that im not a christian who used to joy in Him and love Him.. being blessed all the way with calmness and not condemned by selfly and selfish desires.. 'i forgot You Lord..' sigh.. i just thought.. 'where were You all this while?' my mind was really going into the depths.. i just felt so so.. so.. lost before i thought.. and i have been so astray.. praying to You with problems.. asking You for things yet to be disappointed.. but Lord how can i ever forget that love You have on me each day earlier when i was here so early the beginning of last semester.. "why have i taken you for granted?"

i never felt this much of courage to return.. to Him and to church.. i never treated Him as close since my last arrival here.. soften the heart.. i never worshipped Him with such focus on Him and knowing my purpose here in church.. i thought i could kill it away.. stopped everything with the sense of 'knowing how to..' and i was just so wrong.. it taught me so much to not go by this way again.. and even go thru those things and maintain them.. and the only way i could persist in doing that is thru Him.. coz i know those things may be not a desire by my personal self but those are what He knows is the best for me, same words as what he said.. my fren and mentor.

indeed He has set me free.. i know i couldn't have done it by myself.. tgh i just know i have to pray each day now.. to be more like a christian.. and to stop being a 'know-how' failure.. i just thought really nothing is ever my main priority now.. but maintainance is.. for each and every aspect of life.. i learned so much now.. never ever grudge again.. never ever lose it and cut off things you never can handle urself.. grow now.. spiritually.. never take Him for granted.. never ever fall in love again.. that's the last thing i'd ever put in my list.. except for God.. my family.. tgh i love my christian family here as well in brisbane.. :) unconditionally.. thanks God.. ask for support and change.. ask for that strength like the Rock that will never be battered by the waves nor ruined by wind.. continue to learn frm Him.. and never ever take Him for granted again..

i love my dad and mom.. love my Father too.. heheh.. i wish all in the world would be filled with love, just unconditional love.. and that is what makes the world go round instead of flat.. problems will never be problems with Him.. i just realised.. and the finale is.. on this day.. 23rd April, 2006, i'm finally set free...