depr~

honestly, i think.. i've tried too hard..

i welcome back myself in this blog.. yes, i'd refrained frm expressing.. coz i don't want any cause.. negatives seem to overflow once i begin to shape myself.. and the rest of how they wud view upon me.. and i dun want that.. i've tried too hard for maturity.. and too much sincerity.. in the end, i got caught.. caught up in the middle between two neverending roads.. i dunno.. i really dunno what else can i do now...

one thing i tried too hard was.. problem solving. and one thing for sure is it didn't turn out rite.. and during those months of rehab, i might think i'm in the process of getting things done. but well, it was not to be.. it somehow just make things worse.. probably the case, now why i considered something different.. something which cud bring abt a new zest of freshness.. something which cud just turn things round and wud just tell you that.. 'you have no more to worry son.. everything's over.. it has gone by.. you can leave it behind now..' if this is one which could really happen this time, i wud sincerely.. sincerely.. praise Lord.. or anyone.. really anyone.. tat nothing's an issue anymore and i'd cont to proceed life.. for the better.. how i'd wish.. how i'd hope.. but how'd i tried...

reason why i haven't blogged.. stubborn.. reason why i haven't seen it through.. it's my nature.. tat's why i was depr.. then. and now.. reason why i've come presenting myself.. to seek You.. reason why i have doubts.. coz it doesn't seem right.. if You God.. probably would know how much i love you.. then you'd know how much i don't care what others would have to be like, even if they have to be.. but how wud i bear this kind of feeling for the rest of my life here in brisbane, if i'd just cont to trust You and not to get things solved..? do you think i feel good now.. do you think i'd really have made a mind decision to join You and to face the adversities of my life circumstances at the same time as i come to worship and praise You..? tell you what.. i dun have this much courage.. to do so...

sigh~ i'm taking st. john's worts.. reducing my subs to four.. i think i'm not fit enough to maintain a studious and healthy life as last semester.. i think i still need to take them again.. nicole.. if you're reading this, can you come by and come as the person like last time.. come as the caring one again.. i've missed you a lot.. for long to blog.. end..