myself..

seemingly blogging is a way to express isn't it? somehow when i keep thinking abt it.. trying to modify my blog, the way it is written or maybe the contents tat should be different or more enlightening.. i just feel not myself anymore.. this sounds stupid really.. but sincerely, all these while thruout my blogging career, i developed this kind of adverse feeling which seems to always tell me or question me.. is my blog enough good? is it good enough to be read? the quality or rather the interest.. will it interest the readers?

the perception of blogging somehow turns towards the readers.. and i'd have this constant thought and mind, surely someone out there will certainly read things in my blog and i'll have to be careful of what i write and put in it.. this certainly becomes a standing block for me to really talk out as freely.. and to expose all my inner secrets of the thoughts and mind which include feelings.. i learn to conceal those.. coz once I make a mistake.. and it taught me a really long lesson to remember..

then if i were to cont to do this, i know i'd have lost the opportunity to let out and feel good again.. blogging has always been my life company.. helping me going thru tough times, the ages, the wonders and all.. nothing more but of sincere and truth.. i'd just completely express all the good and bad things i face.. and at the end of the day, it's all abt feeling and being urself again.. to tell the world or just urself tat u're just you.. and no one else.. like how now im typing at this moment of time.. really all is def the way of expressing in accord to my mood.. just let it out and be myself.. well.. now it's the face of a dilemma, whether to think abt the peekers out there.. or just be urself? one say.. i'd never want to lose myself.. in any way..

since everytime when a post is published, it won't send a light signal tat it's updated.. hah.. then i won't have to bother abt ppl reading since they just don't know.. or rather my foolish mind would prank or put me into this constant fear.. wat i say wud generate the impression wat ppl'd think of me.. it's still in my mind.. i've been thinking too much.. so to say this mind is becoming a burden to me now.. very thoughtful.. i'd just have to wish tat not coz of this, it'd made me into somewhat an emotional fig~

these days i'm really stressful.. i dunno is it coz of the lack of exercise or too much good food or too much noise and fun.. i just feel flunctuation at every sense of time.. i'd have great outings with frens, to find the next day at home being.. :s and when i do, i'd cont to think more and more, being unsatisfied with my current position and status.. and keep thinking and thinking of a way to be.. what to expect.. what to do.. how should i act.. or should i change? i dun think ppl reading my blog wud ever understand wat im writing and it's also a double perception i dun care either.. it's just the things i've been thru.. probably tat's making me, lending me a hard time.. i just feel so withered...

i'd want to express it out.. make few points abt the things bothering me.. i may just feel insecure abt the future or the ppl, the adversaries i've met.. coz my nature wants goodness.. i can give up easily to every act of stupidity.. every act of hatred and preds.. cos im who i am.. i dread for the fact why i can be so sincere...

- to you.. i dunno what happen to us.. things have been getting far apart.. maybe it's just the way it is.. tat u’re all along like tis and it's just ur nature.. or maybe we just couldn't get along for nature abides all likeliness together.. i cherish the times of sincerity and ur open-minded care before.. but now.. maybe it's coz of the way i treated you then..

- to you.. i placed jan to jln.. now i revert.. seemingly, a's better treatment than l.. yet intensity is still a question.. still.. the three haven't been too expressive.. i could not see what and where things are.. and still i relate to.. maybe it's just the way things are.. how they are and how you are.. what you think is not necessary wat they may think.. and to you.. i've no choice but to analyse ur sincerity.. to forget it and be stern if you cont on with ur inner devilish ways.. recalling a comment.. 'u just want to be open to tat someone, but just tat the one doesn't.. and you just get fed up.. you'd want to resist..'

- to you.. i still need to confirm.. the arrow's already taken off.. i still need two.. or maybe three weeks to confirm.. then the way of dealing you the same as the former.. to forget it.. i couldn't forgive the way u treated me, as during my sincere self-approach towards you as a fren.. you totally condemned me, worse of all.. manipulated my feelings.. it's maybe the way nature goes, but i dun think i could tolerate the worse hurt of all.. maybe it's just you.. then care to think, ter wud be nothing of goodness between us.. i just have to live it on.. and to find goodness.. rather than to dread abt a downed impression..

- to you.. i'd lack ur reinforcement as it wasn't used to be.. i know tis but i let it be.. just for ur good.. u'd be bz.. or probably lose the interest or i'd think abt the worse scenario.. but nevertheless, u reminded me.. no matter what.. how far we get, just remember each other in our hearts.. and i'd always remember tat.. thinking you wud always mean thinking goodness.. coz i've never ever seen such a person without conflicts and bad-sides.. how i wish if everyone wud just let themselves down and be sincere towards one another, then life wud be very much easier than ever before.. I really love you as a fren..

- to you.. maybe i shouldn't talk abt guys just yet.. but i think this fren has his flaws.. and we should accept it.. occasionally there wud be disappointments.. but still there wud be occasional msges of apology.. i like this fren.. he’s unique.. but we all should understand.. he's still our great fren.. :)

- to you.. i'd miss the times.. heheh.. if you talk abt monkeys and cages.. i dunno how i was so initiative enough to call you out.. but really you were a great company before-hand, back to those times.. i'd wish for more contact from my side.. but recently the environment doesn't permit so.. fuff.. just dunno.. i'd just dwell myself into those dirty traps rather than looking for goodness of the brightest stars among the skies.. note* angels in heaven haven't been considered goodness since for some time ago..

- to you.. it was a switch.. yes.. tat's why it fell off and reached you.. but strangely, i forgot in a matter of time tgh it was just two days of meeting.. i was getting too.. or over highly-expecting and u were too young to even begin with.. but.. u were something.. reminiscing def in the future, it'd not be the one of same age or even of near difference.. but i'm glad you caused the switch.. i still need to confer.. three months for the third..

as for tat.. i'd be anxious abt my current and future outcome.. i know i haven't got the mode to go thru efficiently like how i used to on my arrival to my first overseas world.. and what more to say, i've increased the stress by adding an extra course.. i need 'match-practice' to go by before i can get a start-off when uni starts.. i need to clear toxicity and the stress of my soul, mind and body.. arh.. exercise and still health principles remain.. more water and vegetables.. and get rid of the sweat..

i'd also worry abt tat.. my lifestyle to come.. worry of choosing, coupled with over-excessive thinking.. i'd want goodness.. hence i'd have the idea.. searching for more ppl and looking for a better environment as one alternative.. just to start all over again.. but i miss the buddies there.. dan is not coming back for sure.. and sheph might be too hard on me.. i'd consider and as for you.. i'd want to relay.. i dun want anyone to feel guilty.. i din do it coz of you.. i did it just for the sake of myself..

why not worry abt the elders when i looked thru some blog constantly referring to how'd they worry abt their parents and misses when they go.. i'd.. yet i know i'd make them proud.. i'd never give up.. to think abt the things i've been thru and for their support.. i'd do it for them.. i'd not make them worry and try to do the best things i can.. just for them.. so goodbye to smokes, pubs, clubs, drugs or slacks.. coz.. i know my way..

and to You.. why would i ever forget You coz of the environment tat doesn't permit so.. or maybe just it's not rational enough the way how they plan you.. and how it should be done.. i believe in You.. i do.. yet i have my own way of doing so.. i'm sincere.. i dun look for pride nor reputation tat permits them so.. i look for ur spirit.. i need You really.. and for sure when i go back.. i look for two things.. i look for goodness and just You...

to me... i give up ego.. i lost.. i'm too tired to think or even imagine i should be doing this or tat.. or just acting like a palace jewel.. i want goodness.. i'd cont to strive then.. yet at the same time, i'd seek for maturity.. i want to be myself once again.. yes, i'd blog like this.. it's just me.. who cares.. :) i'd want to achieve.. while facing hardships, i just want to survive the fittest.. i dunno if it’s the correct way, doing this.. going thru life.. i just need it.. in anyway i really really need it.. what does it make to think ppl care abt it when i dun care? last.. i also wish to become more orderly and be someone who plan great like i used to.. yawn...

all the influentials have been written and im too tired to modify.. let this be a post of those times.. and somehow an occasional expression which can yield a better feeling.. as on one of those times.. i feel better now.. let this be a scrappy one.. yet useful one.. but personal one.. let this be.. 'myself..'.. - dated 2.7.06