heart talk

i think it has been five days.. been busy completing assignments and doing some academic work.. it's not exactly stress but it's a bit tiresome to go thru uni life each day.. but to me, there's a goal behind it.. therefore, tiresome can be replaced by challenging..

so with this less energetic state of mine, i'm more prone to blogging.. it's when u get tired, u have more things to say.. u become more emotional than any other time.. i agree most immediately tat emotions and well-being are co-interrelated.. it's when u get tired or stressed with certain things, let's say academic, u might find ur emotional state where u thought nothing of real emotional circumstance seems to be bothering u at the moment but they just come for no apparent reason.. u know.. the so 'past-tense' which is so fake to the present.. being in a cycle, the versa thing can happen, emotions can also affect ur well-being..

feel to express a bit.. probably letting things out for the moment.. realised so much i'm no longer the naive person, which i used to be then.. it's when u feel that part of self loss, u stop being naive.. and till only when u realise the world is drastic.. it's a harsh world out there.. then u know.. u dun live for the sake of everyone.. u live for urself and some others.. but my personality stays.. only my attitude changes for the world.. a period of reasoning and pubertic transition.. it's still me..

when i was replying a post or bringing forward the past experience with one fren of mine, i just and always will have this impression tat.. we're so different.. our interaction is always based upon arguments.. and we're so different in terms of our views and demands.. i've never ever liked her way of living life tat includes her attitude and anything of any sort.. but i guess one thing remained was my personality and the past friendship.. leeshi was probably one of the major disappointments of my life.. din make it real clear till she confessed.. she's one reason why i changed so much to become more realistic..

i guess i put too much hope on her for the last few months of last yr.. it's like tat sincerity of thought.. hey.. din i think we'd get back together like how it used to be.. i was anticipating a lot in fact.. heh... dun wanna look back to the past anymore.. forget the hurt..

i'd loved b4.. tat was my first love and we went thru.. emotionality and tat includes all the later events tat i've gone thru.. being emotional is not the thing which i hope for anymore.. healthy emotion is what i meant by.. living a life with tat capacity of care and understanding.. in fact, i'm never good in romance.. my concept of 'love' now probably stakes at more of interaction than flirtation or hopeful thinking (infatuation feelings). if i wanna love, i see that person instead of totally letting my emotions come standing over me.. if we can't even interact or be frens, how wud we expect to be mates later...

i've been thru hurt a lot.. emotion is probably, at all cost, the last i'd ever think now for any relationships.. even frenships.. my fren once argued with me.. what is love if you dun put a 100% in a relationship tat seems to work and it seems all fake if you just dun love her with all ur heart.. i'd argue with him for hours thruout midnight.. at centerpoint.. :p how cud u ever forget tat self in u.. think abt the consequences later.. he wud thought i'm a rather negative person..

giving all.. is not probably the best thing to do.. being emotional and so-deadly in love kind of attitude is not always the way to go in any relationships.. i'd let him off easy coz he has never been thru first love.. :p anyways.. to me.. now is all abt being who i am.. seeking for tat joy in life.. and tat priority in mind.. being positive.. being in all goodness.. being all who i am.. i dun rush for feelings.. if i do, they'll just be a blind-fold around me.. not knowing myself anymore.. coz i knw in life, i have to still love myself.. and love those who love me..

angel was probably the worst experience i've been thru.. well maybe not.. all three in fact, laid very deep impacts upon my life.. as u know, i was damn bastard sincere then.. i used to be a lone-sheep b4 her.. and it was not until this year, when i went thru a period of suffering.. struggling for forgiveness.. i couldn't accept the way how she treated me then.. it laid a deep scar on the inside.. every sight of her is just hatred.. felt so much hatred.. till i just dunno why i couldn't control.. even anticipating her presence or her appeal.. it's just so affecting...

frenships.. feelings.. why can't they go together? i envy one of my frens and his fren, whom i knew abt their ongoings.. and their way of handling the situation is so much more mature than any other that i've gone thru.. what's wrong abt feelings really if frenships can't even come thru along? well.. to me.. i just dunno probably ppl are different in this world.. if tat's romance what u want.. then go get it.. i'm fed up of romance.. damn sick tired.. but good it has allowed that change in me.. i know what i want now.. for the future.

see.. i told you when u get tired, u have more things to talk.. :p erm.. well.. funny i guess.. heheh.. i'll leave my personality to do the rest of my talking.. yes..! finally, after a lot of hard work and endurance, i've managed not to eat a chocolate bar for one week.. haha.. erm.. i, in fact, on two occasions bought two cadbury bars but then.. tried to put it down.. i'll leave it beside my bag or on the table for display.. so i have the satisfaction of looking at it rather than eating it.. :D guess it's a better feeling to successful avoid eating them rather than to infest them, thinking they wud help to boost ur mood up..

kay.. it's long enough.. cont next time.. ciao~