last but not least...

basically i have no time to think.. i stay firm.. ok.. this is it...

i think really the next few days will be quite crucial eh.. oh just this following week.. really i could have blamed it on the environment.. today's really great in terms of flow.. i credited to shee mei and the law lib.. gambade!!

you know you always touch me.. strength might have come frm you..
ah ya.. pharm is so slacked behind after today's meeting.. thinking of how my attitude for the past few months have ruined me lack of self-discipline in the academy.. i should be study-oriented.. not if for problems.. not if for my environment.. so many things happened.. it just coz of problems..

but now i know i just have to live life each day.. dun give up and just be myself.. and im sure God.. u also dun want me to give up rite..? so bear with me.. bless me then...

really.. today's emotional church came as a burden.. i shouldn't have been too... maybe i just wanna apologise to God.. maybe i just wanna praise Him for all He's bestowed upon me.. the grace of ccm life.. the fun.. the times i fell, He lifted me.. or maybe i just miss my whole ccm family.. :/

i prayed so hard.. God.. if i were not to come back.. plse forgive me.. i've got wat's in my mind.. i may choose my path.. i dunno.. but its my decision.. so its my consequence..

You gave ppl hope.. You gave them all the best life could ever hope for when times are hopeless.. for me, my time of the worst has not come.. i might be struggling life so badly tat i would come back to you for hope.. (im being so direct here) but now, wat if following you is all a burden to me.. wat if it is to my life..?
my life as someone who knows how to live simply and not joyous? i've been thru the toughest time i tell you and yet i got thru.. coz You weren't there for me to rely on.. my family.. my frens.. they helped me.. i tell you.. wat if all was just a strength of thought? wat if the mind just tells you ok.. just live simply.. wat if u get sad.. cry.. and the next day be back and its a new day again..? wat if..? i dunno..

if its not you.. then its her.. its her for the reason i will not come back.. *so immature* i know God.. You have all the good things for every ppl out there.. i wished for emotional stability in terms of facing feelings and hurt.. now wat? im simply dun have time to think abt this.. i just have to struggle hard for my exams.. its not easy.. yet.. i relied on environment.. it could be the weather..

i just feel a bit guilty for being direct or for being unworthy in God's eyes.. or just the way round.. God's unworthy in my eyes.. not tat He's not worthy.. i just feel burdened... i can't stop the feeling of being emotional.. just cut everything.. just.. no time to think.. how i remember.. how i used to be.. not thinking much, just living life normally.. i mean.. now more problems seem to come as i compare to the beginning when i came..

lead tao really put too much hope on me.. heh.. first time on paper saw an MBBS christian follower.. wow.. i might have been impressed how she could have made her way to christ regardless of the time to commit to her studies.. i could have thought.. being a doctor.. should you holy on.. or should you go simply on.. too many things in my mind.. so crappy.. but i miss my family.. i miss my judah family.. no way im gonna lose them.. :/

now i just feel thought-burdened.. but guess wat.. no time to think..! just go on with life first.. after comes later.. wats in my mind.. but really this is the last trip to church for tis yr.. prophet for miracle? wow... i wonder.. i need to study.. manz.. erm.. plse dun bother my mind anymore...

i fear hurt.. crap.. how emotionally unstable consider im a guy.. shitz.. plse be stern la.. i pictured a good way to have a great family of ccm environment.. with all kept to my heart.. wisely without having to end it and being awkward the next time i meet her.. i wish.. but this doesn't solve the problem.. the problem is i go according to my mind and just do things for the sake of reality.. ok look i end.. i dun care coz i know we're impossible coz i know.. you're too different! sigh.. am i dreaming.. am i typing all these..

just to solace.. just to comfort my mind.. dun worry everyone.. i just had to express.. ok i'll not give up! i'd just go on and say goodbye to you and you after i go back.. hee.. byee.. you not her.. and you not You.. but the other two.. :)

-end- complicacy...

p.s.
- so much solace frm a guys talk.. thanks daniel..
- thanks joel for praying and for the book.. happy belated b'day..
- thanks ivan for praying.. i'll commit in brunei but not sure when im back..
- thanks to all ccm.. :) i love the group.. so much fun and knot ties.. hem..
- im still young.. too young to worry or be dreaded for.. wats this... :s
- time to be independent...